SG Cordray Pondering the Universe

This is really frustrating. I know I’m overweight, have been overweight most of my life. From child #1 and onward. Funny thing is I lost weight with children 2 and 3, but would gain it back right after having the babies… Weird, no?

 Anyway… I’ve been diagnosed with congestive heart failure due to untreated hypertension. I was put on a low-fat, low-sodium diet. Okay… So I should be losing weight, right? Wrong. I’m still the same weight, haven’t lost an ounce to keep off. I lost a bit when I was first diagnosed due to the diuretics I was taking but it didn’t last.

 Why can’t I get a doctor to listen to me? I can tell them anything they want to know and a lot of things they don’t want to know but I can’t get a word in edgewise. I’m about to go consumer on them like I did the phone company. Honestly, why should we have to pay enormous insurance bills plus copay for bad service? I thought doctors were supposed to listen but these days it seems they know everything… even though the medical knowledge out there would be more than any one person could ever know if he studied for 3 lifetimes.

Back to the subject at hand. I can’t lose weight. No matter what I do whether it’s count calories, cut out everything that tastes good, and exercise it’s not coming off. I feel like a failure. My hubby thinks I don’t try (because he didn’t see how hard I tried with him being at work all day into overtime. I was embarrassed that I couldn’t bicycle like he could although my condition demands that slow pace.). The doctors don’t seem too concerned with it, or if they are concerned with it, think it’s my fault. The more I feel like a failure the more I just want to roll over and go ahead and die.

When I was 11, I was 5’6” tall and weigh 125 pounds. Looking back I wonder what I would have looked like if I hadn’t been constantly playing sports, constantly doing backbreaking chores(There weren’t a lot of modern conveniences in coal mine country during my growing up years.), and always on the go from the time I got up until the time I went to bed. Once puberty fully set in, I would fluctuate between 125 pounds and 132 pounds. When I got a little older and started having babies, I gained and gained and gained with my first child. Of course, I couldn’t do the sports and everything I used to do before babies so I’m sure that played a part. However, with the last two children (I have 3 children), I lost weight while pregnant only to gain it back afterwards.

If anybody has any ideas out there, I’d sure appreciate them. I’m not ready to die and give up on life but the stress of going to the doctor’s only to find out I’ve somehow failed them once again is going to kill me as surely as if I’d never gone to see one to be diagnosed with heart failure. It’s a no win situation.

In a discussion with a significant other recently, I realized just how little value I have in the workforce. Being a business owner, working from home, and fulfilling the roles of wife, mother, and grandmother isn’t as easy as it sounds. To give you a view into the life of a work at home married woman I thought I would post my day yesterday.

Jan 18, 2006

5A-6:30A: Start first pot of coffee, check emails, check server up, make a thermos of coffee, start new pot of coffee, pack lunch, get clothes ready, make second thermos of coffee, let cat in, feed cat, let cat back out if she wants, take cup of coffee upstairs, wake James, wait for James to get dressed, follow him downstairs, braid hair, help find stuff he needs for work, see him off.

6:30A – 7:15A: Upgraded totalweb to enterprise plan in view of installing a new application for testing. Final research on the chosen app to anticipate major issues with configuration. Got something to eat.

7:15 – 11A: Installed and partially configured dotproject Project management application on totalweb. Wrote email to client to look at the project management install. Answered phone. Fixed errors with file uploading. Further researched configuration issues for user permissions and adding users. Checked emails on 2 computers. Answered ICQ messages from another client. Replied to email from client. I had forgotten to include login information in the first email. Took medications that sent me to the bathroom every 15 minutes. Replied to another client who had lost the login information to access their site on our servers.

11A-1P: Tried to take a coffee break but didn’t work. Answered the phone twice. Checked emails. Checked server. Check system statistics because load is a little higher than usual. Started a load of laundry. Checked exim.  Answered questions for client on ICQ. Answered cell phone. Picked up in living room.

1P- 1:40P : Checked emails. Checked server. Answered more questions for client on ICQ. Put clothes in dryer. Tried to take a drink of coffee. Answered phone to talk to the people saying we owe them copay for doctor visits. Opened money to give person information on my payments with check numbers and dates. Found the one they said we owed. Looked for another one for June, found it. Lady said she wanted to look up stuff and call me back.

1:40P- 2:30P : Finish picking up the living room. Answer phone. Pull top of trashbag out of trashcan because it got pushed down inside again. Picked up clothes out of the kitchen. Find something for supper so it has time to thaw. Went through old mail on table. Check emails. Check server. Started the last mini can of biscuits. Answered cell phone. Took some stuff upstairs. Got my biscuits out of the oven. Stopped talking on the cell phone to answer main phone. Helped find out where the mistakes are in the billing. Went to eat my biscuits.

2:30P – 3:15P  Gulped down my almost cold biscuits so I would quit shaking.  Thawed ribs and made BBQ sauce while thawing ribs. Put ribs in the oven. Restarted the dryer. Checked email. Checked server. Load was up to 7 so checked through webhost manager to see if there’s a problem or if it’s just emails and traffic.

3:30P- 3:45P Discussed a new project with a client. Gave recommendations for php application to use.

3:45P – 6:30P  Welcome hubby home. Checked on ribs in oven. Added more bbq sauce. Talked with hubby. Discussed the two upcoming projects. Took hubby through the one I had installed earlier in the day. Started the sides for the bbq ribs. Installed xoops on the test site as an alternative to the project management application. It had problems but hubby took over and realized a setting had needed to be changed from the last update. Finished cooking and served supper. Watched a little TV while I ate supper.

6:45P-7:30P Came back to work with xoops and installed modules the client will use. Grabbed a few graphics from the existing site to use this morning to integrate into the content management system.

7:30P-8:30P Downtime. Went to the living room to watch a movie. Kept dozing off in the chair. Thought about all the stuff that didn’t get done during the day that would be added to today’s list.

• Vehicle Inspection and tags for new car.


• Pay bills that should have been sent out Tuesday.


• Finish the laundry I started yesterday.


• Vacuum the living room and stairs.


• Dishes


• Work on the content management system to be installed on the client’s site.


• Finalize the next project with another client.


• Ensure the server is running properly as well as all the sites on it.


• Answer emails, phones, and client messages.


• And maybe, just maybe, if it’s just a quiet enough day I might get to have sex tonight. If not there’s always hope for tomorrow, right?

I wouldn’t trade it for the world but never never never think it is as easy it sounds when you say it out loud.

 

 

5PM on a Sunday afternoon is not a good time for a business owner’s computer to break but, typically for me, that is just what happened. On top of that, I couldn’t work on it yesterday as I had company (lots of it which is another story) and a very important doctor appointment that I couldn’t reschedule.

Starting with last month I blew up my car and had to replace it. I blew up my computer. I didn’t have to replace the entire computer but it wasn’t very good timing all things considered but is it ever? I replaced the power supply with a bigger power supply and I’m hopeful it will help. On top of that, I bought a new switch for networking. I just couldn’t resist since our old hub is about 6 years old. My internet connection truly flies now and I thought it was pretty fast before. I’m generally happy about the situation in spite of the timing. As for the car, I’m fairly happy with its replacement although I still miss the old girl… she’s been a good car and that was the first time she ever broke down… when she was ready to die, she went quietly just as she served quietly for all these years.

I hope the doc has some good news for me for change… I’d much rather blow up a thing than myself. Things can be replaced. I don’t think I can… at least, that’s what my hubby tells me.

Believing in and contributing to charity is sometimes harder than it may seem. I don’t have a lot of extra cash as I’m still building a home business that takes more than it makes right now. However, I do try to contribute where I can as I can. Some of you may have read about my contribution to “Stories of Strength“. However, I’ve often talked about a site I maintain pro bono, Operation Stand Down Nashville. I’ve been maintaining the site I suppose 1 1/2 years now. When I first discovered the site, it was being maintained by a great old man named Doc Crank. Doc has had several health problems over the years. He fought to live as full a life as he could in spite of them but the problems steadily got worse and he had to cut back. I’m a great believer in some things are meant to be. I found the site just before Doc had to make the decision to stop working on it. I was asked to take over. They wanted to pay me . I refused… payment, that is.

Sometimes updates on this site are hit and miss as the director becomes busy or I do but we both try to keep it as current as possible. Having been suffering some health problems of my own hasn’t helped me keep a good work schedule anyway. Sometimes updates will get lost in the swath of evil spam that comes through our email accounts as well. About a week ago the Director, Mr. Bill Burleigh, called me on the phone and again asked if they could pay me for working on the site. Again, I refused payment.

Not long after this phone conversation I received a letter in my regular mail. The timing was impeccable as it arrived on New Year’s Eve heralding the beginning of the next year. Our mail runs late and it is often after dark before the mail truck arrives in this area. Since it was late on New Year’s Eve it helped kick off our private celebration at home. To see a copy of the letter with signature removed (I don’t want anybody able to use that sig for anything nefarious so you’ll just have to take my word for it that it signed.) click here: THE LETTER.

This letter is all the payment I need for the work I do on that site. We are all looking for great things in the coming year. Mine started off great receiving something like this. Since my years typically start off slow and ponderous, I’m looking forward to the rest of the year and the great things that might happen along the way. Oh, and if any of you reading this have a mind to give something to charity, keep this great little one in mind. They do a lot of good work in this community.